A leave of absence..

The last few years have been the most difficult in my life....I guess you could call it a pre-mid life crisis.Between losing all of my remaining friends that I had left in N.J. 5 years ago,losing 2 friends here on K-M and the death of one of my cats..well..my mortality has really been kicking my butt.
Moreover...all of my surplus free time and isolated living,has stripped me of much of my sanity,as I've been plagued with anxiety attacks,insomnia and depression.
As a means of coping with this,I tried to immerse myself in music and in my remaining friends here at K-M & that helped me a bit...but the bad side effect of this,is that my music hobby & too much free time,lead to a perilous credit card addiction.
I did what I could to keep it under control & made a concerted effort to pay off my debt(selling some of my gear to pawn shops,rationing my groceries,refraining from any dining out and even taking out a loan to consolidate my credit card debt.)
As my morale got worse,I sought the help of a psychiatrist at my local welfare clinic.I wanted medication for both my insomnia and anxiety issues...but was told that Ambien and Xanax could not be combined and since my insomnia was the bigger issue,I chose the Ambien.
The way I saw it,is that if I solve my sleep disorder issue,then that would take care of my other 2 issues and for the most part,it was helpful.
I then thought that if I could go back to work part time,I could wipe out all my problems...as I could easily pay off my debt,make friends in the process and have an overall healthier way of using my free time.
So for several months,I sought out work with a vengeance and used the help of an employment agency that works with people with head injuries and once hired,this agency gives the employer a 60% tax break.
However...since 99% of employers use electronic applications,there are no face to face meetings(unless of course,the employer likes your job history and then you get the interview.)
Out of all the places I applied to,only 2 employers called me in for an interview and both of them told me I had the job during the interview....but then not long after the interviews,I received rejection letters via e-mail.
The reason for this was obvious to me,which is that these employer's use a legal loophole to interview me and reject me,without having to incur a discrimination lawsuit in the process.
Never in my life,have I ever had a problem finding a job,but now the job market is so fiercely competitive and discriminating...that employment for the disabled,is virtually impossible(certainly in this crowded,pretentious and affluent area,this is very much the case.)
Even if I were to eventually find a job,most places can't even guarantee 16 hours per week.I experienced this,when I worked at a discount dept store called Target.
One week I had 24 hours,then the next week only 4 hours(in which case I could not pay my rent.)Reason being,is that when my income goes up,my rent is adjusted accordingly.
More specifically,my amount of rent I paid,was set based on 24 hours per week when I began the job....so once my hours per week diminished,my rent amount remained constant...which was disastrous & I was forced to leave my job.
This was 7 years ago,so with such a wide gap in employment,a convicted felon,would have an easier time getting a job than I would.

Recently...a friend of mine had moved back from California to Virginia(which is within reasonable proximity to where I am by car)...so my social life has improved and my regular regime of exercise has improved my overall well being.
As for my credit card debt,I had to forego most of my bills(because as it was),I would have spent the rest of my life making minimum payments,living from disability check to disability and never getting ahead.
Now...I am paying off what I can comfortably afford...but it will be a while before I can even afford to file for bankruptcy.

As for my music,I have been a complete washout as a musician...making countless attempts to write songs and on a rare occasion,I managed to come up with a song(only because I had re-written an old song) and spending the rest of my days doing cover tunes,is not what I want.
For a weeks or so now,I have been picking away at a tune,but I can't finish it and it's an utter disaster as it is and I'm too embarassed by it,to even consider posting it on K-M.
I don't have anything to offer anymore & I don't feel like I belong here on K-M...at least not at present.I don't know what it is about my persistent writer's block and why it's so severe...except to say that I think it's all of my credit card debt and my inadequacy as a computer user,that just kills my creativity and inspiration.
I mean...my financial situation is so stressful and I am also incredibly frustrated over all of the hundreds upon hundreds of dollars I've spent in recent years,trying to acquire usable sampled acoustic instruments(particularly orchestral ensembles)...while also trying to avoid buying NI's Kontakt(due to my painfully idiotic inabilities to install the damn software) and worse,having absolutely no help from the developer.

I hate to add to the already dwindling activity on K-M...but I need to renovate myself somehow and I must apologize for writing such a length essay.

Farewell for now....